I used to read the paper every morning back when it was actually printed on paper and delivered to our front step. That was before delivery devolved to "somewhere in our driveway." A notice went out from the paper that someone had been injured on a front step somewhere, and that was the end of that. No more papers ever appeared anywhere near our steps. It reminded me of the shoe bomber effect. One person puts a bomb in his shoe, and we all parade our smelly feet openly through security forever more.
For a long time, my phone has been smart enough to deliver the newspaper right into my hands. It was a beautiful system. The Star Tribune, the news from public radio, and my brand of politically slanted news all floated into view from the moment I woke up in the morning. That was before.
On election day, it all came to a halt. I turned from the news that had given me false hope, and I haven't gone back. It's too much. I can't bring myself to ingest anything about that man's impending presidency. I need time to heal.
I feel violated. Assaulted. In my published letter to the editor in response to his "locker room talk"(see my post from October 15), I wrote about the lessons of assault: She is nothing. She is worthless. She has no rights, even to the boundaries of her own body. But nobody listened to me. They went ahead and voted for that man. It's like the girl who tells her parents she's been hurt, and they don't listen. She is traumatized all over again.
But I know that trauma heals. It takes time and hard work. It takes patience with the pain. It takes forgiving yourself for your own actions. It takes releasing yourself from the expectation that others will take responsibility for their actions even though the only thing you want to hear is, "I understand. I'm sorry." After that, you are stronger.
I am healing. Every day gets better. I don't know when I'll be able to face that man as president, but I will. And I'll be stronger. I'll be ready to fight the racism. The misogyny. The arrogance that casts aside those who need help. The assault of America.
